I'm glad or relieved you can witness my descent into madness. I can't stop daydreaming of the moment I tell Josh I'm pregnant, when I hold my baby for the first time, when I take him on nature walks... I can't stop crying when I think about how I'm not pregnant and everyone else is. My sister wants me to come over and I just can't tonight because I know she wants to tell me she's pregnant again and I just can't handle it right now.

I had a patient who was actively dying today. I'm trying to understand the circle of life right now. Living and dying and what is it all for? Why do I even want to procreate? Why and I so so desperate for a little me? Just to have her dread spending time with me when she's older? I feel like a crazy person. My friend had a miscarriage. I didn't even have that. I'm just not pregnant. I haven't been diagnosed as infertile. We've been trying for 5 months and I just haven't gotten pregnant yet but all my friends and everyone at work has. I shouldn't be so weepy, but now, as I said before I am catching up on 9 months worth of crying and I just can't stop.