I tried to bury a fly today. I don't know what's more disturbing- the burying of a fly or the trying part-I was unsuccessful. I was reading a book on the couch and I had been listening to him buzzing his last buzzes on the concrete floor next to the coffee table for a few hours when I realized it was disturbing to me and I had been imagining the fly thinking, "As I lay dying..." and I thought he deserved a proper exit from this world.
It's just a culmination of all thats happened at work lately. I had a patient who was actively dying. Breathing her last labored breaths. Her family gathered around her crying and soothing her.
And the next day I called in.
And the next day was the worst ever. Families yelling at me... confused patients calling out "Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! ALL DAY only to have me fluff her pillows... a patient wailing in pain, and me, unable to give her more meds or make it better. Its all too much to take.
Was I being punished for calling in?
I put out 3 applications to change my job. But what is it all for? Do I have the time and inclination to make our unit better? It will require me to "call out" those who are not pulling their weight, because the fact is, some of our unit is simply apathetic and do not care about improving patient satisfaction. I hate the thought of that. I'm petrified at the thought of ruffling feathers. I really have no backbone.
Where is this confidence i so desperately seek?
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