Courage

At the start of every shift I go through walking rounds with the night nurse where I greet each patient and explain that I will be caring for them today. And every morning, just before I enter a room I feel a moment of trepidation.

Are they stable right now? Are they responsive? Is their family going to harass me with questions to which I don't know the answer? Will they critique the way I care for them? Are they comparing me to the night nurse? Will I know what to do should they code?

And things do happen. Patients code. Their families ask me to diagnose their loved ones. Doctors yell at me for calling them over trivial things.

For a while I tried to stop myself from feeling this way. Stop being scared, Jess. You work on a critical care floor. These people are sick and many are getting sicker. Wishing things would go smoothly is a pipe dream.

If only my sensitive heart could stand to be criticized. I am not the sort of person who cannot take responsibility for my actions. I can and do. But I have a hard time moving on. I punish myself over and over for making even the slightest mistake.

I know I am in the right place for me. I am great at thinking critically under pressure. I am excellent at recognizing subtle changes in a patient's condition. Someone pointed out that I call MRT (Medical Response Team) too much. But I submit that I call when I see a patient going south, and doing so, often prevents them from coding or going to the Unit. Perhaps I do from time to time call a doctor unnecessarily, but I'd rather be overly cautious when lives are in my hands. So yell away, doctors, I'm doing the best job I know how. I'm giving everything I have to the care of my patients.

And I have decided my theme is now courage.

My husband told me courage is not being fearless. It's being scared but doing it anyway. The serenity prayer comes to mind here. I must accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and recognize the difference. I'm cultivating the courage to open that door, assess that patient, and face what challenges lie ahead.